Do Opposites Attract?
When it comes to romance, can opposites attract?
Making it work
Can differences bring you together?
Dr. Jane Greer
Often people look to have a relationship with somebody who is just like them. They believe, and a lot of evidence supports their belief, that it will be easier to connect and stay together if they share the same educational background, age, religion, music preferences, approaches to life, or anything else that is a big part of their days. But there are those who are able to look beyond focusing on the similarities between them to find a rewarding and potentially sustainable romance with someone who is quite different from them. Take Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian, for example. Many didn’t think their connection would last since they are so different on the surface, beginning with their age gap which spans 13 years. And yet, they are still together and appear to be enjoying each other’s company. Despite that fact that Davidson is a comedian who spends much of his time trying to make people laugh, and Kim, though some people dismiss her achievements, seems to be focused on more serious subjects, having just passed the “baby bar” exam in California and going before Congress to speak on behalf of inmates’ rights, they still gravitated to each other and appear to have found enough in common to sustain their connection. Apparently, opposites can attract. Why is that the case and, if you find yourself in that kind of relationship, how can you make it work?
For some it comes down to envy. A tall person might wish he or she could be shorter and is attracted to someone who is. Or a cautious person wishes they could be more adventurous, so they are drawn to people who are. Talkative people might enjoy spending time with a quiet person since they have always wanted to be more like them, or, maybe, because it allows them more time to talk. Whatever the case, these contrasts can be the very thing that brings people together. So, once you’ve found each other, what are the best strategies to make the relationship work despite the many things you don’t have in common?
One way to do that as you move outside your comfort zone is to look at these differences as a way to grow in new ways, and experiment and experience things you would never have had the opportunity to do. Rather than being turned off thinking this trait or that label doesn’t belong to you, it can become exciting and exhilarating to suddenly expand your world. If, for example, you are with someone who is a risk taker and loves to ski, but you have never dared, coming together could open up a whole world for you and you might discover a new hobby you never thought you would like. The same could be said for food preference, taste in music, religious traditions, and so much more.
Often, though, once the flash of the initial attraction wears off, these differences might not seem as appealing in the day to day as one or the other partner either becomes annoyed by them or simply misses their old way of doing things. The lack of conversation that was so entrancing at first now just gets on your nerves. Or the religious traditions that were exotic and intriguing when you first met now just feel like a nuisance and take time away from other activities. It is helpful to be aware that this might happen and come up with a plan before it does. The key is to acknowledge the things that separate you and lay down tracks for those differences so you can go the distance and you can avoid future resentment. Work together to find a middle ground where you can compromise. It is basically about finding a balance. If one of you likes to hike and be active on vacation, but the other wants to lie on the beach all day, think about how you can make room for each other’s pleasures so you can both participate in it and share and spend time together. Maybe you will choose an island vacation that offers an opportunity to hike and also to sit on the beach. Or, maybe you will trade off and choose a resort vacation one year and a sightseeing trip the next.
The bottom line is, if you are open enough to become involved with someone who is the opposite of you in one way or another that is a great start. If you can continue to be open to sharing differences and compromising, you just may be able to make it work.